I am a Bad Girl!

With a wooden stick in my hands using to scratch my head, I almost end up all my days with a ponderous thought of 'How am I?' People say am weird, some think I'm senseless, always on the tip if risk taking, others believe I'm yet another flirtatious girl... everyone seem to be making their own notions about me.
Notions~which I can't even believe could have had such a possibility behind. Notions~which I couldn't even realize how serious they could have been while I was always busy with mockery. Notions~which now seem quite appropriate while once they were useless descriptions and labels by the society.
I wish I had not stepped into this muddy road, I wish I could have taken some other way out. I simply wish to live my entire life on wishes, especially when what you actually are isn't as important as it is to show how good you are.
This life has been quite explicit, even more than my words. I have always craved for the challenges, especially as weird as possible. The only thing which I forget to demand is the key to the way of past. From a challenge to get along to a challenge to regress back, is definitely not going to be simple. It is to be able to maintain my dignity and self-respect in the process, where every bold step I take is merely a show off business by an arogant girl, and where every other people I meet would look at me like am a 'whore'.
The understanding of basic atrraction, infatuation, liking and friendship are very easier in the books, but seem quite complicated especially when every other person is seeking for an acceptance, and a simple denial or say rejection from following the regular course of life makes me a 'Bad Girl'...

At 21...

#nowplaying 'Hosh walo ko khabar kia' by Jagjit Singh
And I still remember that long drive... like never ending stream of compassion. Yes I can never forget that expression on your face and those unsaid words... the rapid heartbeat with an eyelock is felt everytime I hold my words back from you. I wish I could understand this...
These swollen watery eyes, and the not so relevant flashbacks... the view from this window has become a stranger's world, and a sudden realization of the distances has made acceptance even difficult. Attachments ain't easy, not untill you are sure about your feelings. Hmmm I know somehow everytime you were right, but the story always seem incomplete.
'A cup of coffee' ~ was a turning point, and yet again I am waiting for a similar turn of life...

Traveller's mind!

Whenever I cross these roads, a sudden happiness is felt. Whenever I cross the borders, I feel relieved. Whenever these mountains challenge my potentials, their confidence is always conquered. When I look at the deep waters of the sea, they fill me with a flow of high energy. I feel like a queen who has lived like a King of all times. But when this traveller in me has other roles, they are followed by an unwanted confusion. A wonderer like me feels supressed, and these delightful moments turn into compulsions. Its hard for others to see how a perfectionist criticises her approach, but life doesn't work parallel to ego conflicts. Whenever its difficult to know the difference between ego driven goals, and ur aptitude based aims, one must remember to ask her real self, the soul, to guide in life. The path choosen won't take you to a wrong turn. This is a traveller and a wonderer in me, who was although distracted for a long time but now the path seems clear.

Old Age delight!

Its winter again, and I'm still waiting... just the same as always... and the feeling of oneness with you remains forever deep inside... those breathless nights... those momentous days... ever so smiling faces... and the clear memories of your eyes and my lips, almost about to say something, and then a moment so frozen... is somehow like this feeling of chilled winter morning.
I've never been alone these years... friends seem to be a real good support system. But your memories my love, the moments of togetherness... are still alive in my heart. So fresh... so real... and you are still hidden somewhere unknown. I'm waiting... and will always wait... for your soul is all mine now, and love has no boundaries left...

Dastak...

It was long back, a school girl in me, while thinking about her dream world wrote something. She was so curious to see her dreams come true, and to live her life the way she wants, with all that love and adulation, which were like a fairy tale to her... And about 7 years from then... Now that school girl has grown up, and has taken a very different way of life altogether, something completely out of her imagination. But she is happy, as she is living her dreams, and in her dreams there's still those clouds of uneasiness to see the so much desirable soul, which has made her so curious, and extremely passionate to meet...
The lines so quoted show her dilemma, and her similar situation even after a long time gap, but with new situations and new anxieties.

"Mere sapno ke jhrokhe mein chaand aaya tha,
meine usse aapni palko pe sajaya tha
din raat sapno mein dubbi rehti,
par ek baar bhi ye na kehti
shayad mere dil mein usne ghar banaya tha
jis mein vo kabhi rehne aaya tha...

par kahan hai vo chaand?
aur kahan hai vo chandni?!
jisne mujhe ye swapn salona dikhaya tha
mere dil ke armano ka deep jalaya tha.

shabnami hotho pe vo naam kaise aaye
kia batau
kab kahan ye dil tujh mein kho jaye
iss bandhan se e dil mere, kaise bacha jaye
dhadkano mein basne wale ye dil tujhe kaise bhulaye!

kaliyon ke sundr chaman mein phool khile the
baharon mein iss dil ke dwaar khulle the.
isse mein aapna kasoor kaise jaanu
chandni ko chanda se alag kaise maanu.

mere dil ko teri ek dastak ne neend se jagaya tha
mere sapno ke jhrokhe mein chaand aaya tha... "

Mumma n Me

When I saw the bird on 'the window of my room', I saw her searching for her eggs.. i saw her tensed, and worried... and wanting at least someone to help her, give an answer to her dilemma. These are the words when I imagined those orphan souls on my roof top (the eggs)... and the mother ( the bird) who was so determined to find them, but could not accept someone else's touch...

"I see your tears mumma, I see you worried
I see that you miss me so much, I see you looking for me
Though I'm alright, I'm still missing you... I see that you too love me forever <3

I see the tears in my eyes, and see you mumma worried
I see that you too are uneasy, I see how well you convinced her
Though you were in deep trouble, I see you as very responsible.

Don't worry for the separation is a matter of time
I know you are brave enough, I know you see your glimpse in me
For I know you are my heart and soul."

Manifestations of Love

Don't look so deep into my eyes, it makes me feel proud. 

Don't talk about the chimera of your life, its like a fool's paradise.

Don't think you know everything, when actually you are a bonehead.

Look at me!

I am the epitome of perspicacity. 

I have the essence of ardor in my life.

Who knows the strength of knowledge, without an ingenious brain?

Who knows the magic of colors, without a life of perseverance? 

Who knows the power of love, without ever being compassionate?

And Look at you.

An in-cognizant soul.

And you want to argue with me! 

Test the skyline of Love!

O Lord!

Apology for the altercation.

I am a ponderous soul.

The meaning of Love is Indefinite, I know 

I know the anxieties of life.

The wistful longings are not unknown. 

For I know you, my Angel.

Your resentment will abate my inspiration.

Love for me is anonymous feeling,

But fancy for it will always sustain. 

What I say is what I want, 

Maybe not a reflection...

For its manifestations are so apparent,

As there's always a fear of profanation. 

A lot like Love.. a lil' like Chocolate

...and once again I'm sitting 'at the window of my room', with all my fingers dipped in chocolate syrup, licking  every bit of Dairy Milk Silk... ravishing temptation to a soul like me... my face all painted with chocolate and my each attempt to pour in more and more of it seems like a baby trying to cuddle her most loved doll and convincing herself for the separation she had to bear from her doll because of the school hours. How depressing it would have been for her doll to stay alone for such a long time... is known just to her, and so does her affectionate cuddle explain her happiness on meeting her back again. My heart and soul dipped in the blissful chocolaty dreams... and the thought that strikes me, reminds me of the similar feeling of sitting at the window of my room.
The refreshing breeze from the window brushing and caressing me like never before... as if convincing me to get involved, to let go off things... to stop for a moment, and like its caressing flow... allowing me to flow along in the miraculous spiral of ever so desirable life. Every time brushing aside the flicks of hair covering my eyes, I feel my throbbing heart. With the whiff of air, trying really hard to uncover my veil, and let the world know the beauty I'm trying to hide inside... Nothing else can be as soothing as knowing the ardent attempts you make to amaze me with the energetic and stimulating advances. I know your wistful longing that keeps me engaged with the plethora of your adulatory progression on every curve of my skin. I feel so much  instigated by your puff... O breeze! You bring me such a delightful evening...

Rishtey

It was just last night while flipping through the pages of my diary I saw these lines, I wrote when in class 10th I saw something which completely shook me from inside... and it is dedicated to that girl, whose story I will never forget, and will always be an inspiration for me.

Hain banaye rishtey jo bhagwan ne,
insaano ne sada nibhaye
par jane kyu kuch log abhi bhi
ye baat na jaan paye -
shayad ek ladki ne sada
in rishto mein aapne armaan hain dabaye
samaj ki prathaon ne usse sada
anchahe kaaj karvaye...

kyu nar-nari mein badhta jata
ye ling bhed adhikar hai,
kyu jan-jan aaj bhi
karta ek hi baat hai.
ladki nahi tum ho aaina
sambhalna iss jag mein bhaar hai,
tut gaya to paapi kehlaya
varna sundar uphaar hai. 

Spontaneous soul with an unknown thought,
Going somewhere,
All alone...
A sudden blow, so calm so soft,
Like a breeze it makes me flow...

I know it's you who makes me smile...
I know it's you, who is always by my side...

For this thought strikes me every time
I know there's something hidden behind,
The eyes which look so tense, so sharp,
Trying to figure out who you are. 

When you see a child in you!

As usual, I carried a baggage of being a complete failure in understanding where my life is leading me, I walked into the counseling class today with a pity face. It was a sunny day of Delhi winters, of course a much loved weather, though the day had it's own glory, but somewhere I still was searching for the answer to all my questions.

She talked about how different modes of being, as described in Transactional Analysis by Eric Berne (1950s), influence our relationships with other people in our lives. It actually made me visualize my different intimate relationships. As she told us, there are different modes of being, namely, the child, the adult, and the parent. when a child in you talks to the child in the other person, it makes harmonious relationship, similarly with the adult to adult talk, exception of excess being always unhealthy. This is how I realized how unknowingly I was leading myself into some unwanted things in life. How a child in me was conflicting with the adult in him, and how his child was always ridiculed by the adult in me. It was as if a clear image of the disturbances in our year-long friendship was revolving in my mind. With this picture in mind I almost spent my half a day thinking over how to control this child in me, and how should I help the child in him be nurtured by the parent in me. Ah! it was hard to accept the fact that the relationship you cherish the most was leading nowhere, and you might have a possibility of loosing a person you really want to be with. It helped me come to an idea of where it's leading me, at least I had a realization of what was happening and how the understanding issues were creating problem with us. 

I was at least satisfied and thanked my professor in my heart to help me get a grip of the situation. She really is a messenger of God, I now realize. I was happy, and playful again. Back to normal, I enjoyed being in the play therapy session, and then hanging out with my only close friend, having tea, maggie and 'baand-makhan' at tea-point. The evening went off well, with the reconciliation of the conflicts in my mind. An evening so good after a long time. 

But the real test comes when you are all alone left with your own self after a day of 'reality-check'. And just as an after thought, somewhere it struck me an idea of 'why not starting everything all over again?', and I logged on to my mailbox with the hope of finding the person I was searching for, and yeah! bingo! He was there. I was more than happy to find him there, just to thank him from the deepest of my heart, for always being there, for being the best person in my life, for being the only one who made me feel extremely special, and the list can go on and on. And Bah! as usual, no response! and later disappointment, and even later the anticipation, for the reasons of avoiding my messages. "Was it actually him the other side? Oh! he might have slept! No, he might be avoiding me consciously. What if he has found another girl, and now not responding me back just to make me feel I am no more required? Then what about all what he said in past few months? Ah! i'm again acting weird I know, why will he not tell me if there's any girl! But what can be the reason behind his such behavior. Is he trying to make me feel I'm unwanted and merely a bugger? or is he trying to gain my attention?" 

Endless thoughts across my mind, some written down to him in messages, some still unsaid. But what I got to feel was an even more worst situation, because the so-called realization I had in my class today, was nowhere helping me maintain the same thing. The child in me was continuously trying hard to get the warmth of her best friend, but reality obviously eroded all the excitement, warmth, and love I had. I don't know what the consequences of doing such a dubious act will be. Certainly, it occupied with me with another more anxious thought of "what if he feels ridiculous about me? what if he has no more respect left in him for me? what if my worth has fallen in his eyes?" These thoughts still haunt me. It actually makes me accept the difficulty of implying things which are 'easier said than done'. I'm left with no other option to let it go, and just wait till he's not out of his shell to walk the road himself to come and talk. 

There's just a difference in the perspectives, where I want to hold him forever the way he is, the way he has always been, and he on the other hand, trying to get answer in yes and no. I wish I could explain him, make him understand that at times it's just not necessary to define any thing in yes or no, because our life and emotions are not that objective. I wish I could make him realize, regardless of his role being so short, how important and how close he is to me. But everything doesn't turn the way you want them to. And now with much struggle with my heart and brains, I'm left with nothing more than letting him go... Go away and find a better world, only to realize that there is still someone who is waiting for him for long to come back just as the same person, as he used to be. 

Love has different forms... It's not necessary to love a person the way you does your spouse, I don't know where this direction is taking me, what I know is I really like the flow.