As usual, I carried a baggage of being a complete failure in understanding where my life is leading me, I walked into the counseling class today with a pity face. It was a sunny day of Delhi winters, of course a much loved weather, though the day had it's own glory, but somewhere I still was searching for the answer to all my questions.
She talked about how different modes of being, as described in Transactional Analysis by Eric Berne (1950s), influence our relationships with other people in our lives. It actually made me visualize my different intimate relationships. As she told us, there are different modes of being, namely, the child, the adult, and the parent. when a child in you talks to the child in the other person, it makes harmonious relationship, similarly with the adult to adult talk, exception of excess being always unhealthy. This is how I realized how unknowingly I was leading myself into some unwanted things in life. How a child in me was conflicting with the adult in him, and how his child was always ridiculed by the adult in me. It was as if a clear image of the disturbances in our year-long friendship was revolving in my mind. With this picture in mind I almost spent my half a day thinking over how to control this child in me, and how should I help the child in him be nurtured by the parent in me. Ah! it was hard to accept the fact that the relationship you cherish the most was leading nowhere, and you might have a possibility of loosing a person you really want to be with. It helped me come to an idea of where it's leading me, at least I had a realization of what was happening and how the understanding issues were creating problem with us.
I was at least satisfied and thanked my professor in my heart to help me get a grip of the situation. She really is a messenger of God, I now realize. I was happy, and playful again. Back to normal, I enjoyed being in the play therapy session, and then hanging out with my only close friend, having tea, maggie and 'baand-makhan' at tea-point. The evening went off well, with the reconciliation of the conflicts in my mind. An evening so good after a long time.
But the real test comes when you are all alone left with your own self after a day of 'reality-check'. And just as an after thought, somewhere it struck me an idea of 'why not starting everything all over again?', and I logged on to my mailbox with the hope of finding the person I was searching for, and yeah! bingo! He was there. I was more than happy to find him there, just to thank him from the deepest of my heart, for always being there, for being the best person in my life, for being the only one who made me feel extremely special, and the list can go on and on. And Bah! as usual, no response! and later disappointment, and even later the anticipation, for the reasons of avoiding my messages. "Was it actually him the other side? Oh! he might have slept! No, he might be avoiding me consciously. What if he has found another girl, and now not responding me back just to make me feel I am no more required? Then what about all what he said in past few months? Ah! i'm again acting weird I know, why will he not tell me if there's any girl! But what can be the reason behind his such behavior. Is he trying to make me feel I'm unwanted and merely a bugger? or is he trying to gain my attention?"
Endless thoughts across my mind, some written down to him in messages, some still unsaid. But what I got to feel was an even more worst situation, because the so-called realization I had in my class today, was nowhere helping me maintain the same thing. The child in me was continuously trying hard to get the warmth of her best friend, but reality obviously eroded all the excitement, warmth, and love I had. I don't know what the consequences of doing such a dubious act will be. Certainly, it occupied with me with another more anxious thought of "what if he feels ridiculous about me? what if he has no more respect left in him for me? what if my worth has fallen in his eyes?" These thoughts still haunt me. It actually makes me accept the difficulty of implying things which are 'easier said than done'. I'm left with no other option to let it go, and just wait till he's not out of his shell to walk the road himself to come and talk.
There's just a difference in the perspectives, where I want to hold him forever the way he is, the way he has always been, and he on the other hand, trying to get answer in yes and no. I wish I could explain him, make him understand that at times it's just not necessary to define any thing in yes or no, because our life and emotions are not that objective. I wish I could make him realize, regardless of his role being so short, how important and how close he is to me. But everything doesn't turn the way you want them to. And now with much struggle with my heart and brains, I'm left with nothing more than letting him go... Go away and find a better world, only to realize that there is still someone who is waiting for him for long to come back just as the same person, as he used to be.
Love has different forms... It's not necessary to love a person the way you does your spouse, I don't know where this direction is taking me, what I know is I really like the flow.
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