Being a Mother

This face in the mirror ain't much familiar. She can see those eyes really happy and glowy, with the extraordinary spark of being the master of her own life... but it doesn't seem to be the reality anymore.
Just a distance of barely 30 centimetres has changed the view of life already, where she can see those eyes completely tensed and worried, almost questioning herself, "Why did you do this? Why did you let it happen to yourself? What about your family? What about the society? You're a completely lustrous soul, dipped in tons of shamelessness and you still have the courage to face a new life?!" The thoughts are drilling the soul deeply, where the only realization comes back is, 'What have I made of myself and my life? I was never like this. Is it his charm that turned things over? Or is it my vulnerability that landed me in a trouble this way!'
Completely clueless and confused about what's happening to her body and to her soul... she tries every other althernative to escape the situation.
Turning around away from the mirror, realizing how intense it is... difficulty walking in a bulging belly can't help going back in the past. What wasn't thought that moment was coming over again and again... leaving no space for the life to play its game at its own pace. The numbness in the soul and tearlessly crying eyes every single moment... welcoming a new life ahead, just can't get over the amount of attachment they have got to the only hope left for her in the form of a new innocent face. Her fantasies of playing and caring for her doesn't fade even with those smokingly red teary eyes, and yet she has the courage to show how being a mother is special... no matter how hard the life is, for the only life you can say is really yours is the infant life in your arms finding her world in 'just you', only you...
While she sees those mistakes of past, she also sees a life in future... the world is different, the outlook is changed... however she might sell her body for sex... she still is a 'mother!'

I am not Beautiful!

While I was strolling in the garden, I saw a very beautiful and adorable girl sitting at a corner head bowed on her knees with a closure as arms wrapped so tight as if she didn't want to show herself to the world... as if she was trying to hide herself... As I went closer and closer, I heard her sobbing, and some more proximity made her conscious of my presence...
She pulled her head up enough to lift her left eye to see who was approaching her... with all so shrunken body and a bit scared of my presence... her gaze kept questioning me, "why are you here? What do you want?" I kept looking at her with the curiosity, and eagerness to approach her for help, but the moment I stepped ahead... the panic got me frinzy and I felt so helpless to see how her silence broke into the screams saying, "Go away. Leave me alone... I am not a beautiful object. Its not my fault. I am not to satisfy your lust." I... I felt shattered... and more than that I was amazed for why will such a beautiful girl want to be isolated and left alone just because she is beautiful!
To her comfort I withdrew myself from the scene, and proceeded ahead on the way, but kept looking back at her... for her comfort in her isolation and closure from the world was so desirable that mere presence of someone create a chaos in her world. I stopped mid way and kept staring at her in the same amazement... to know what made her mad about her beauty and how it was a fault! It was not only surprizing but also beyond the normalities of life. I kept gazing, and wondering, only to realize the girl was actually in the mirror!

Love & Life

When I thought about the 'Ideas of Death', I was in a dilemma about not only what I saw, but also what I didn't realize. Thinking about future was really difficult, yet I forced it... and it's pressure was so engrossing, that all the new possibilities and hopes in life took a latent turn, leaving no space for me to even think about the present. It just became a fight with the dilemma, which was self-created, and now when I look at those similar feelings of facing death due to isolation and abandonment, I see the insemination of new wings of life in me. I see how we still are in front of each other... smiling... blushing... for when he felt a sudden tremor of uncertainty, because of my irrational ideation... life still looked at me with cosseted inclination.
When unable to move an inch or say anything, and the helplessness in me, those red watery eyes avoiding all sorts of disconnection... he was full of benevolence and compassion. The redness in his eyes was for the loss and grief he had... for not being able to express, to make me feel his tranquil gaze, to open his heart out to show how serene and inverterate his feelings were.

I just want to see you, when you're all alone. 

I just want to catch you if I can, 

I just want to be there when the morning light explodes

on your face, it radiates, I can't explain...

I Love you till the End. 

And still the eye-lock remains... with deeper and deeper breaths,distances becoming superficial, I felt confused of what exactly is on his mind. That silence and unspoken feelings... yet the throbbing hearts trying to connect the two souls, made sense. I wanted to leave, but couldn't. I wanted to ask him to leave, but couldn't... instead reaching out to him... stopped mid-way, to get back into senses.. but it was subsequently quite late for me to see the path unraveled  I am still looking at him... but with a sense of connection with souls... where no words are required for me to tell him, how much ever he tries to hold it back, my faith and courage is not going to vanish. 

I just want to tell you a thing, you don't want to hear

All I want is for you to say, 

Oh! Why don't you just take me where I've never been before, 

I know you want to hear me, Catch my breath. 

I Love you till the End. 

Progression of intimacy created a whole new world, where we two souls rested in peace. The superficial distances were now disappearing, with every move, every breathe growing deeper, calm and becoming one. Being in his arms could be the only blissful moment, with no intrusion in our bubble of love and life. And with reflection of each other's aura into our eyes... the union seemed the only source of life. 

I just want to be there, when we caught in the rain, 

I just want to see you laugh the cry...

I just wanna feel you when the night and sun in stroke, 

I lost the words, Don't tell me!

B'coz all I can say 

I Love you till the End. 

With the most caressing stroke on my forehead, a melodious voice calling me, after a long travel in time and silence... and all of a sudden, the bubble of adulation and affection bursts into the reality, as soon as I open my eyes to realize how beautiful the dream world could be! 

Ideas of Death

When I close my eyes to imagine my life script, I feel its quite related to what my mother has eventually gone through throughout her life. And the distances travelled in terms of future years lived, within those 5 minutes, gave me a fair idea of my life with him, have a family, live and enjoy every emotion of life... but the moment I thought about life with him, instead of proceeding ahead towards the end years of life, it brings me back to the present... where I see him...
I see myself standing infront of him and his entirely opposite universe... I can see him confused... I see him weak and unsure... and there's always some apprehension about future possibilities.
Instead of going ahead towards the death bed, I see myself as beautiful young lady, who is equally amazed with his apprehension,  for was it the same person she wanted to be with?! Where although I'm alive, I am full of variety of emotions,  yet I am 'disabled'... to express, to move ahead, to bring a positive and desirable change... as if the moment is frozen.... with watery eyes and overwhelmed heart, just me and him, looking at each other... so intensely,  so passionately... recalling each single moment spend together...
And yet again, unable to move an inch or say anything... I feel helpless, and the course of death seems to be the very moment with watery eyes turning into redden weeping eyes, not blinking to avoid a disconnect... and that's how this feeling of being suddenly isolated and abandoned is more than what death would have been...
From the diary of a single girl, the above expression of dilemma of life is somewhat close to most of us. What is required is just the courage to face the worst and still maintain your personal stand about it!
May God bless this girl who helped me understand some things which were completely alien...

Iktara...

#nowplaying 'iktara' wake up sid
A long drawn connection to this movie, the city, and the window of my room... everything renewed at once.
Unable to forget that sensation, those goose-bumps, and spark in my eyes while my lips almost about to open as if trying hard to convey what my heart wants to speak out loud, and yet another silence amidst the crowd, I can still feel your warm breathe, those fast heartbeats, and the frozen moment of holding me so tight, so close... to have a sense of belonging to you and you holding me back from all other distractions around with your humming voice driving me crazy... not willing to wake up from the dream like world to realize the reality.
Sitting at the window of my room... feeling the evident distances between us, realizing the bubble of dreams bursting into reality, yet longing for the impossible to happen... I'm still singing the song... "sun rahi hun sudh budh kho ke, koi mein kahani.. koi kahani hai ye kise hai pata. Mein to kisi ki hoke ye bhi na jaani, rut hai ye do pal ki ya rahegi sada..."
... and mumbai diaries taking a new, and unique turn of life.

Head over heels in love!

"With the last sip of my tea, I said,"Lets move." And I got up from my seat, with a completely blunted expression... how could I not notice his eyes rolling all over me, observing every other expression I made while I was having the same pathetic tea of college canteen, noticing every other wrinkle on my face narrating the difficult and long day I had, reading between the lines when it was a completely pin-drop silence... and yet again a sip of the same pathetic tea every second, head bowed to avoid eye contact... both of us continued to drag ourselves to the old building nearby in a hope of at least someone to speak up... and yet another a long silence... a sudden eyelock for that fraction of second... I was almost breathless for the moment, and that wicked smile on the faces... he held me in his arms, to show how much he longs to be with me, another second withdrawing from the clutches because of the discomfort the crowd created. Both of us blushing and yet not able to figure out what to say.
All of a sudden my flatmate appears smiling at us as if she saw us in  compromising conditions. Haww! That was a booboo... sorry!! But eventually true. She somehow knew we would be together... while he tried to hold my hand and ask me to move inside the building without wasting time with people around, I eventually resisted his advances dragging my friend from the group for a strole around the college... with a bit hesitation, although I managed to escape him yet his eyes seemed questioning, mocking and feeling proud at me at the same time, for my shyness wasn't hidden anymore. He smiled back and I resisting that sparke in his eyes reverted a smile back which almost had given him as much peace as hot coffee on a chilled evening would.
And within no time, when he saw me coming back from the same direction... I was not only feeling embarrassed of not being able to do anything without him, but also for becoming a road block in another story, which was already in motion before we entered the scene. Ah! College life is full of lovely experiences... especially when it is a valentines week. Hmmm! Ya I guess I got carried away by the unnecessary information in the story... but eventually all those attempts of resisting and still finding my way back to him were the most momentous times with him.
Both of us facing in different directions began strolling around the college streets again... trying hard not to look at each other, since that's the most irresistible feeling of breaking the boundaries of being together and yet so far... and the previous day's words suddenly recalled in my mind,"I promise to be the best friend forever," with a response from me for equal reciprocation of the similar feelings.
With a complete silence around, when my heartbeat was even audible, with invein attempts not to be distracted, our hands slowly brushing aside found their way into each other such that the passion was evident with the tight clutches and gradually struggling our ways into each others arms, we ultimately found an expression to the silent romance that night.
Ya that same night... can't forget that moment when after a warm tight hug on the #HugDay your uncle proposed to me again and repeated his promise of being the best friend forever, to understand, how that resistance from eye lock, that shy wicked smile, that spark in my eyes conveyed how much I loved him, how much I desired and longed for him, how much that silence brought the realization of no boundaries left between our love for each other. And that's how we ended up being so close and completely absorbed into each other's skin, feeling the warmth of love and the times we have spent together. Well! that day, my dear was our anniversary."

Her story drained me emotionally inside out, and the same silence was so much desirable tonight. I wish I could make my own story, but this flow ain't bad afterall, when I'm already feeling in love head over heels!
To the pretty lady who was blushing while telling her experience of blended passion and compassion in her lovestory even after 25 years of her being together. May Lord give all what you want this Valentines. And to those love birds who are struggling hard to convince themselves and their partners... for love is nothing to be convinced about, its just a feeling that you understand, admire, respect and want the person forever by your side... to always feel the same way as was the first time, and be the only one to touch your soul so deeply and truly.
Happy Hug Day ♥♥ enjoy the season of love...