Rythms of life

Blended bright light with the rain drops in the air, bringing a stream of mild rainbow colors in my room... on the bed of pollens and a shield of soft rossy petals on the top... I wake up with the morning breeze with a sweet smile on face... still engaged with the fancy dreams, I rub my eyes swiftly spreading my wings... and as I stood up facing the colorfully bright morning light, I see a charm in life... I wonder where I am... I wonder which world I see... and a sudden gentle touch from behind... I hear, "I'm sorry I kept you waiting."

...an attempt to find the gentle touch of air that springs the energy in me... with eagerly waiting curious eyes, blinking every second in amazement... I find nothing but happiness, celebration and music around... and a different world calling me to join.

With every passing second I laugh my heart out... while I dance and sing and giggle in the crowd, I find a gentle touch of care... and with the fearless progression into the celebration of life, I dance to ur beats, with a sense of vigour and the charm of bliss, yet again I hear, "May I join you Miss?" :)

All I want is LOVE

"The basin full of dishes, I almost drag myself every day to clean them, and keep them at proper place. It seems as if my life has become a waste, where I can't identify myself as what I was 20 years back, and what destiny has turned me into... The entire day is all about managing the household, and raising my children. Yes! I recently won a gold medal at my son's school for being the 'Best Mother of the Year 2013', look here's that medal... But there's always a void in me... as if I need something more, as if this is not the only thing I would want... Yap. I know you would call me crazy, especially after listening to all the family members who have been praising about my hard work, and my dedication in my family and for all the chores which would help them grow. But I still feel quite differently... their appreciation is although a lot for me, but certainly not everything... I don't understand what is it that is making me so shallow inside...
Don't you dare question my husband's affection for me. I know he's a responsible man... and is doing all his duties quite well.
But what do I do with this feeling? Please help me..."

I kept looking at this lady with amazement for some time, and then acknowledged her feelings of not being hopeless, as she would soon find out answer to all her queries... She just needs some time with herself probably, I made her understand this... She didn't seem to be contented, but I couldn't make her feel vulnerable with all my sympathetic expressions. She stood up from the seat nearby, to catch hold of her little kid as it was his dinner time. And I shied with apprehension, and thought she would try to resonate with her thoughts and feelings soon... Thinking this I too proceeded with my work and went back home from the jogger's park.

Apparently, that lady had not left the park that moment, and was looking back at me going ahead with my work with a confident smile on my face. Thinking about herself and the confidence she had on herself in the past, her thoughts grew dense, and her sadness worsened her night even more...

Failing to find a reason at all about her dilemmas, she kept thinking while she was waiting for her husband to return back home on the bay window of her child's room. She rocked him to sleep and sung lullabies, although it made her feel good about her potentials, yet she was still thinking about what would it be like when she would see her husband after a weeks long time tonight.

Hours passed by, everyone had slept, it was midnight already, when suddenly she heard a knock at the door. She ran to open the door and see his face for once and welcome him gracefully... But his least interested and tired looks broke her heart again... he paced up to his room, and she tried to find way running after him with a glass of water, and a chance to talk to him, "Do you want some water? Or shall I arrange dinner for you? You look so tired and tensed, is everything alright? How was your trip?" Her excitement on seeing him back again was so much that she constantly kept ignoring his need to be left alone... "Look I am wearing the same saree you gifted me last month. How is it? How do I look in this? Isn't it beautiful? Oh! I was waiting for you to come back... I missed you a lot."

... no response from his side. He kept looking at her for a while, when she broke in silence, he was straight-forward to ask her to leave the room, as he is not interested in all her stupidity... He felt tired and wanted to stay alone, and silently moved back to his bed. She was shocked and heart broken to see her husband reacting the same as always, and least bothered about her... tears rolled down her round chubby cheeks, and after a moment of heartbreak, she dragged herself back to her bed to just lie down besides him as always, staring at the stars.

Her tears couldn't stop tonight... and breathlessly sobbing voice made him a bit conscious. He rolled back to check if she was still crying or had slept off.. realizing some movement, she held her breathe expecting him to have understood her, but yet again he said, "Why can't you let me sleep? I do so much of work the entire day, earn you money, and now you don't even let me take a good night sleep. What do you want??"

She pushed him back, stood up wiped off her reddened teary eyes, and with the aggressive tone, said him, "I don't want your money. I have no regrets of landing up here, since now, I know you will never understand me. I wish you could realize that money is just to keep the family happy, and when I stand here with all my emotions tonight, I just wanted you to know that... All I want is Love..."

Inseparable Souls.

19th February' 13... I realized what could Life mean to me... and the harsh realities of life left no space  to live it... with a sudden realization of all the thoughts, merely a dream like state... when I woke up with the stroke of hands on my forehead...
http://kannu91.blogspot.in/2013/02/love-life.html

I froze for a moment... realizing how my lovely dreams were not my reality, and not knowing who woke me up from sleep, the anxieties shot up even more...

and now... after half an year almost... I still wake up from the same dreams... I still see him as lovable as always... with a better view of my life. This monsoon... sitting in my room with a bed tea and wrapped in a soft furry blanket, corseted in the dreams of being with him, every call still brings in the deep sensation and gift of oneness... making me feel blessed.

#now playing 'tum hi ho... meri ashiqui.. aab tum hi ho...' (Ashiqui 2)
unable to forget those eyes making me feel the togetherness... feel loved and secure, with imaginations and every caressing stroke on my forehead, and the music... reminding me of the moment I held his hand... to leave it never again.

Life is unpredictable at times... when you think you've everything... it brings you something you long for... but for a moment... when still holding back to self, and feeling contented... it becomes the best gift.

... the feelings left incomplete long time back, feels complete now with these exquisite moments. 

I love you...

While sitting under the shade of tree, trying to write his name on the sand with a weak wooden stick... an sudden tremor of uncertainity prevents me from proceeding ahead and the fishes so jolly and excited kept teasing me with their splashes of water... for how beautiful the life is and I'm just being a waste of time. Again with more focus I begin giving the story a new shape altogether... and like a breeze, in my ear.. I hear... 'I love you!'

Gaining back my strength, and memories of my life, I try to write the name of my very beloved, and yet again the sparrow on the tree comes to sit in my lap asking me the reason behind the sorrow expressions... I remain quiet and amazed... for she insists on looking around and realizing the beauty of nature, the fragrance of flowers and the songs they were singing... her persistence on me joining their chorus made me leave the place and the dry weak wooden stick with the incomplete attempt of writing his name, and yet again after a while I realise its not my world to run away and stand besides the river under the same tree... "ouch!" I screamed, as if someone touched my waist with his soft comforting hands... and I looked around so scared, so restless, searching for one who was mocking at my loneliness... while I was searching behind the trees, a sudden blow of air calling me, letting me know 'I love you!'

With an astonished look, I decided to leave, and ran towards the palace, my skirt torn in the woods and left anklet broke off my feet to find a place in the roots... I still ran breathlessly to go back home and find peace from this unknown spirit... yet again when standing with doors closed, taking long deep breathe to come back in senses, eyes closed to disconnect from reality I could still feel him caressing my cheeks and other hand trying to hold me  tight... with a mild soothing voice he said, 'I love you'... waking me up from a dream instantly.

Shocked and trembling out of fear, I closed all the doors and windows, in the splashes of water, taking a shower to divert my mind... and all in vain when, for a moment I closed my eyes, I could feel his lips on my ears and yet again 'I love you'.

Fear of being lost overpowered, and sadness of not being able to find him brought tears... I screamed... I shouted... I begged to leave me... to forgive me... to let me see his face for once... to not leave me alone in this cruel world... and yet again nothing more than 'I love you'...

Frightened and all wet in the sweat, I suddenly woke up and checked my anklets and my skirt... all in place, and within no seconds his hands pulling me down back to come and rest besides him... and he says 'need not be so tensed, for however long these nightmares might be... I still love you forever.'

Kanupriya

An extract from the romantic poetry by Dharamveer Bharti... very much suggesting what Kanupriya (Krishna ki priya ~ Radha) is all about...

"yeh jo mein kabhie kabhie charam shaksatkaar ke kshano mein
bilkul jad aur nispandh ho jati hun
iska marm tum samajhte kyu nahi Saanvre !

tumhari janm-janmantar ki rehasyamayi leela ki ekaant sangani mein

in kshano mein aksmaat
tumse prithak nahi ho jate mere praan,
tum yeh samajh kyu nahi paate ki laaj
sirf jism ki nahi hoti
mann ki bhi hoti hai
ek madhur bhay
ek anjana sanshay,
ek aagrah bhara gopan,
ek nirvyakhya vedna; udaasi,
jo mujhe baar-baar charam sukh ke kshano mein bhi abhibhoot kar leti hai !

bhay, sanshay, gopan, udaasi
ye sabhi dhith, chanchal, sarchadhi saheliyo ki tarhan
mujhe gher leti hain
aur mein kitna chah kar bhi tumhare pass thik uss samay
nahi pahunch pati jab aamr majriyo ke niche
aapni baansuri mein mera naam bhar kar tum bulate ho !

uss din tum uss baur lade aam ko
jhuki daaliyo se tike kitni der mujhe bansi se terte rahe
dhalte suraj ki udaas kanpti kirne
tumhare maathe ke moor pankho
se bebas vida mangne lagi -
mein nahi aayi.

gaaye kuch kshan tumhe aapni bholi aankho se
muah uthaye dekhti rahi aur fir
dheere-dheere nandgaon ki pagdandi par
bina tumhare aapne aap mud gayi -
mein nahi aayi.

yamuna ke ghaat par
machuo ne aapni navein bandh di
aur kandho par rakh patware chale gaye -
mein nahi aayi.

tumne bansi hotho se hata le thi
aur udaas, maun tum, aamr vriksh ki jado se tik kar baith gaye the.
aur baithe rahe, baithe rahe, baithe rahe
mein nahi aayi, nahi aayi, nahi aayi
tum aant mein uthe
ek jhuki daal par khila ek baur tumne toda
aur dheere dheere chal diye
anmane tumhare paun pagdandi par chal rahe the
par jante ho tumhare anjaan mein hi tumhari ungaliyan kiya kar rahi thi?

ve uss aamr majri ko chur chur kar
shyamal banghaso mein bichi uss maang si ujli pagdandi par bikher rahi thi...

yeh tumne kya kiya priye !
kya aapne anjane mein hi
uss aam ke baur se meri kavari ujli pavitr maang bhar rahe the Saanvre?

par mujhe dekho ki mein uss samay bhi to matha niche kar
iss aalaukik suhaag se pradeept hokar
maathe par palla daal kar
jhuk kar tumhari charan dhuli lekar
tumhe pranam karne -
nahi aayi, nahi aayi, nahi aayi !"

When in Love...

"I look at you, and I look at myself, I see not much difference but...

I look at you, and again at myself, I see not much similarity but...

When I go back home all alone, in the mirror, I look at myself, and I look but not you... 

I realize, I love you."

For love is not meant to justify and rationalize, because making someone feel the spark in you is more than what words can say. 'I love you', says the girl-next-door, but craving for Attention will always remain... 

And one day... 

Someone said well, "When you love, you see no boundaries, and when boundary is close, your love is lost. Respecting emotions is what you can do... and love will find its own place."

The girl with all her feelings...

"I've no charm left for you to please, I've no regrets. I shall be the same free bird, for one who loves me shall love my pace, and in this world of emotions, I'll be queen of my world, and you shall KING be..."

Being a Mother

This face in the mirror ain't much familiar. She can see those eyes really happy and glowy, with the extraordinary spark of being the master of her own life... but it doesn't seem to be the reality anymore.
Just a distance of barely 30 centimetres has changed the view of life already, where she can see those eyes completely tensed and worried, almost questioning herself, "Why did you do this? Why did you let it happen to yourself? What about your family? What about the society? You're a completely lustrous soul, dipped in tons of shamelessness and you still have the courage to face a new life?!" The thoughts are drilling the soul deeply, where the only realization comes back is, 'What have I made of myself and my life? I was never like this. Is it his charm that turned things over? Or is it my vulnerability that landed me in a trouble this way!'
Completely clueless and confused about what's happening to her body and to her soul... she tries every other althernative to escape the situation.
Turning around away from the mirror, realizing how intense it is... difficulty walking in a bulging belly can't help going back in the past. What wasn't thought that moment was coming over again and again... leaving no space for the life to play its game at its own pace. The numbness in the soul and tearlessly crying eyes every single moment... welcoming a new life ahead, just can't get over the amount of attachment they have got to the only hope left for her in the form of a new innocent face. Her fantasies of playing and caring for her doesn't fade even with those smokingly red teary eyes, and yet she has the courage to show how being a mother is special... no matter how hard the life is, for the only life you can say is really yours is the infant life in your arms finding her world in 'just you', only you...
While she sees those mistakes of past, she also sees a life in future... the world is different, the outlook is changed... however she might sell her body for sex... she still is a 'mother!'

I am not Beautiful!

While I was strolling in the garden, I saw a very beautiful and adorable girl sitting at a corner head bowed on her knees with a closure as arms wrapped so tight as if she didn't want to show herself to the world... as if she was trying to hide herself... As I went closer and closer, I heard her sobbing, and some more proximity made her conscious of my presence...
She pulled her head up enough to lift her left eye to see who was approaching her... with all so shrunken body and a bit scared of my presence... her gaze kept questioning me, "why are you here? What do you want?" I kept looking at her with the curiosity, and eagerness to approach her for help, but the moment I stepped ahead... the panic got me frinzy and I felt so helpless to see how her silence broke into the screams saying, "Go away. Leave me alone... I am not a beautiful object. Its not my fault. I am not to satisfy your lust." I... I felt shattered... and more than that I was amazed for why will such a beautiful girl want to be isolated and left alone just because she is beautiful!
To her comfort I withdrew myself from the scene, and proceeded ahead on the way, but kept looking back at her... for her comfort in her isolation and closure from the world was so desirable that mere presence of someone create a chaos in her world. I stopped mid way and kept staring at her in the same amazement... to know what made her mad about her beauty and how it was a fault! It was not only surprizing but also beyond the normalities of life. I kept gazing, and wondering, only to realize the girl was actually in the mirror!

Love & Life

When I thought about the 'Ideas of Death', I was in a dilemma about not only what I saw, but also what I didn't realize. Thinking about future was really difficult, yet I forced it... and it's pressure was so engrossing, that all the new possibilities and hopes in life took a latent turn, leaving no space for me to even think about the present. It just became a fight with the dilemma, which was self-created, and now when I look at those similar feelings of facing death due to isolation and abandonment, I see the insemination of new wings of life in me. I see how we still are in front of each other... smiling... blushing... for when he felt a sudden tremor of uncertainty, because of my irrational ideation... life still looked at me with cosseted inclination.
When unable to move an inch or say anything, and the helplessness in me, those red watery eyes avoiding all sorts of disconnection... he was full of benevolence and compassion. The redness in his eyes was for the loss and grief he had... for not being able to express, to make me feel his tranquil gaze, to open his heart out to show how serene and inverterate his feelings were.

I just want to see you, when you're all alone. 

I just want to catch you if I can, 

I just want to be there when the morning light explodes

on your face, it radiates, I can't explain...

I Love you till the End. 

And still the eye-lock remains... with deeper and deeper breaths,distances becoming superficial, I felt confused of what exactly is on his mind. That silence and unspoken feelings... yet the throbbing hearts trying to connect the two souls, made sense. I wanted to leave, but couldn't. I wanted to ask him to leave, but couldn't... instead reaching out to him... stopped mid-way, to get back into senses.. but it was subsequently quite late for me to see the path unraveled  I am still looking at him... but with a sense of connection with souls... where no words are required for me to tell him, how much ever he tries to hold it back, my faith and courage is not going to vanish. 

I just want to tell you a thing, you don't want to hear

All I want is for you to say, 

Oh! Why don't you just take me where I've never been before, 

I know you want to hear me, Catch my breath. 

I Love you till the End. 

Progression of intimacy created a whole new world, where we two souls rested in peace. The superficial distances were now disappearing, with every move, every breathe growing deeper, calm and becoming one. Being in his arms could be the only blissful moment, with no intrusion in our bubble of love and life. And with reflection of each other's aura into our eyes... the union seemed the only source of life. 

I just want to be there, when we caught in the rain, 

I just want to see you laugh the cry...

I just wanna feel you when the night and sun in stroke, 

I lost the words, Don't tell me!

B'coz all I can say 

I Love you till the End. 

With the most caressing stroke on my forehead, a melodious voice calling me, after a long travel in time and silence... and all of a sudden, the bubble of adulation and affection bursts into the reality, as soon as I open my eyes to realize how beautiful the dream world could be! 

Ideas of Death

When I close my eyes to imagine my life script, I feel its quite related to what my mother has eventually gone through throughout her life. And the distances travelled in terms of future years lived, within those 5 minutes, gave me a fair idea of my life with him, have a family, live and enjoy every emotion of life... but the moment I thought about life with him, instead of proceeding ahead towards the end years of life, it brings me back to the present... where I see him...
I see myself standing infront of him and his entirely opposite universe... I can see him confused... I see him weak and unsure... and there's always some apprehension about future possibilities.
Instead of going ahead towards the death bed, I see myself as beautiful young lady, who is equally amazed with his apprehension,  for was it the same person she wanted to be with?! Where although I'm alive, I am full of variety of emotions,  yet I am 'disabled'... to express, to move ahead, to bring a positive and desirable change... as if the moment is frozen.... with watery eyes and overwhelmed heart, just me and him, looking at each other... so intensely,  so passionately... recalling each single moment spend together...
And yet again, unable to move an inch or say anything... I feel helpless, and the course of death seems to be the very moment with watery eyes turning into redden weeping eyes, not blinking to avoid a disconnect... and that's how this feeling of being suddenly isolated and abandoned is more than what death would have been...
From the diary of a single girl, the above expression of dilemma of life is somewhat close to most of us. What is required is just the courage to face the worst and still maintain your personal stand about it!
May God bless this girl who helped me understand some things which were completely alien...

Iktara...

#nowplaying 'iktara' wake up sid
A long drawn connection to this movie, the city, and the window of my room... everything renewed at once.
Unable to forget that sensation, those goose-bumps, and spark in my eyes while my lips almost about to open as if trying hard to convey what my heart wants to speak out loud, and yet another silence amidst the crowd, I can still feel your warm breathe, those fast heartbeats, and the frozen moment of holding me so tight, so close... to have a sense of belonging to you and you holding me back from all other distractions around with your humming voice driving me crazy... not willing to wake up from the dream like world to realize the reality.
Sitting at the window of my room... feeling the evident distances between us, realizing the bubble of dreams bursting into reality, yet longing for the impossible to happen... I'm still singing the song... "sun rahi hun sudh budh kho ke, koi mein kahani.. koi kahani hai ye kise hai pata. Mein to kisi ki hoke ye bhi na jaani, rut hai ye do pal ki ya rahegi sada..."
... and mumbai diaries taking a new, and unique turn of life.

Head over heels in love!

"With the last sip of my tea, I said,"Lets move." And I got up from my seat, with a completely blunted expression... how could I not notice his eyes rolling all over me, observing every other expression I made while I was having the same pathetic tea of college canteen, noticing every other wrinkle on my face narrating the difficult and long day I had, reading between the lines when it was a completely pin-drop silence... and yet again a sip of the same pathetic tea every second, head bowed to avoid eye contact... both of us continued to drag ourselves to the old building nearby in a hope of at least someone to speak up... and yet another a long silence... a sudden eyelock for that fraction of second... I was almost breathless for the moment, and that wicked smile on the faces... he held me in his arms, to show how much he longs to be with me, another second withdrawing from the clutches because of the discomfort the crowd created. Both of us blushing and yet not able to figure out what to say.
All of a sudden my flatmate appears smiling at us as if she saw us in  compromising conditions. Haww! That was a booboo... sorry!! But eventually true. She somehow knew we would be together... while he tried to hold my hand and ask me to move inside the building without wasting time with people around, I eventually resisted his advances dragging my friend from the group for a strole around the college... with a bit hesitation, although I managed to escape him yet his eyes seemed questioning, mocking and feeling proud at me at the same time, for my shyness wasn't hidden anymore. He smiled back and I resisting that sparke in his eyes reverted a smile back which almost had given him as much peace as hot coffee on a chilled evening would.
And within no time, when he saw me coming back from the same direction... I was not only feeling embarrassed of not being able to do anything without him, but also for becoming a road block in another story, which was already in motion before we entered the scene. Ah! College life is full of lovely experiences... especially when it is a valentines week. Hmmm! Ya I guess I got carried away by the unnecessary information in the story... but eventually all those attempts of resisting and still finding my way back to him were the most momentous times with him.
Both of us facing in different directions began strolling around the college streets again... trying hard not to look at each other, since that's the most irresistible feeling of breaking the boundaries of being together and yet so far... and the previous day's words suddenly recalled in my mind,"I promise to be the best friend forever," with a response from me for equal reciprocation of the similar feelings.
With a complete silence around, when my heartbeat was even audible, with invein attempts not to be distracted, our hands slowly brushing aside found their way into each other such that the passion was evident with the tight clutches and gradually struggling our ways into each others arms, we ultimately found an expression to the silent romance that night.
Ya that same night... can't forget that moment when after a warm tight hug on the #HugDay your uncle proposed to me again and repeated his promise of being the best friend forever, to understand, how that resistance from eye lock, that shy wicked smile, that spark in my eyes conveyed how much I loved him, how much I desired and longed for him, how much that silence brought the realization of no boundaries left between our love for each other. And that's how we ended up being so close and completely absorbed into each other's skin, feeling the warmth of love and the times we have spent together. Well! that day, my dear was our anniversary."

Her story drained me emotionally inside out, and the same silence was so much desirable tonight. I wish I could make my own story, but this flow ain't bad afterall, when I'm already feeling in love head over heels!
To the pretty lady who was blushing while telling her experience of blended passion and compassion in her lovestory even after 25 years of her being together. May Lord give all what you want this Valentines. And to those love birds who are struggling hard to convince themselves and their partners... for love is nothing to be convinced about, its just a feeling that you understand, admire, respect and want the person forever by your side... to always feel the same way as was the first time, and be the only one to touch your soul so deeply and truly.
Happy Hug Day ♥♥ enjoy the season of love...